Eavesdropping

Here are snippets of conversations I have heard over the past few days:

• "Did you see the whale on the beach?
  [Response]: Are you serious or are you talking about the neighbor?"

• "the wild boar was bothering our dog, Buster, so Terry went to the gun room to get a gun..."

• "you know we don't think it is a party unless we get to shoot something..."

• "The clothes at JCPenney look like they are made for street walkers not for 60 year old women.
  Response]: There are 60 year old whores too."

• "Welcome ladies, how are you today?"
  [Response]: My husband and I are fine.
  [Response]: Oh I am so sorry.
  [Response]: That is okay, it happens all the time.
  (At this point I had to turn around and see what this guy looked like and he was normal, average, etc.???)

• "and then she told me that he got in trouble before because he likes young girls"
  [Response]: So are you worried about Jessica?
  [Response]: No, she ain't that purty anyway.

I shit you not. You cannot make this stuff up.

Observations from Georgia

I am in Macon, Georgia for a few days and then I am headed down to Jekyll Island. Thus far, I have observed a few things of interest:

1. People in Georgia do not know how to drive. I know people think this about most places they visit, but it seems to be a road race down here with no rules or regards for even lines between lanes.
2. I have been called ma'am more times today than in my whole life combined.
3. Cops. Cops everywhere. I appreciate the sense of security but they seemed to be tucked behind a group of trees every 2-3 miles. Apparently the folks in #1 don't care.

Knock on Wood

My mother is very superstitious. We weren't allowed to walk around the opposite side of a post, column or obstruction if we were walking down the street or sidewalk because apparently that meant we would argue. So that is the reason.

Obviously we couldn't walk under a ladder and if you opened a pocket knife, you had to be the one to close it or someone would get cut. You are dealing with a knife, the odds are already in your favor that someone would get cut.

If your ear itched, someone was talking about you. If your palm itched, you were going to get money. If your nose itched, you were going to have company. Right.

If you said something you didn't want to happen, you knocked on wood. If she couldn't find anything wooden within reach, she would use her head, or ours. That explains a lot.

So in the spirit of knocking on wood, I'd like to say that without much effort and probably due to a change in medicine, I have lost 15 lbs 18.5 (I weighed today) in the past three months. I hope this continues, especially the part about not much effort. But now that I have spoken (written) about it....I might get cut, no wait, I might have money coming out of my nose from company.

Are They Made of Elephants?

Maybe it is because today was my first day at work in 17 days? Or maybe it was because today was very cold and my brain has basically been frozen with little to no activity? Either way, I found myself watching television blindly and wondering....if a memory foam mattress really remembers so much, wouldn't you never need to buy another mattress - like ever? Is that really a good marketing plan?

Arrrgghhh!

My cell phone is dieing. I think if they make you sign a 2-year agreement, you should get a phone that lasts 2 years.

I even bought a new battery, but it never lasts more than 24 hours (without any phone calls being made) on one charge. If someone sends me a multi-media text (I wish they would STOP DOING THAT), it is gone immediately.

Maybe I need one of those wilson cell booster thingies? Or just a new phone.

Size Matters

It seems like micro-technology keeps making things smaller and smaller. Our mobile phones are getting smaller, our computers are following suit, and compact digital cameras are an understatement.

I'd like to have one small enough to put over my ear like a bluetooth. You could inconspicuously take photos with the touch of your finger. No one would know. Oh the things we could record.

It is a very spy-like idea. Hmmm... maybe I am a Sherlock in training?

Picky

Yes, I am picky. At least about some things. I like Charmin toilet paper. I like Heinz Ketchup. I like Yoplait yogurt. I like Tropicana - not from concentrate - orange juice. How about you? Are there brands you are loyal to?

I feel the same way about my cell phone. My favorite was my Motorola Razr, pink of course. I wish they had not discontinued it. I liked the way it felt, sounded and worked with my Blue Tooth. I also loved the motorola case, it was solid. I am on my third cell phone since the Motorola, but I will never like one as much.

Batten Down The Hatches

I was at Target and yes, that is pronounced Tarjey, and had to use the ladies room. Do you wonder where this post is going? Hee hee.

After washing my hands I used one of their hand dryers and O.M.G. If you ever wondered how loose your skin was and essentially, how old you are -- use their hand dryer. It blows so hard it looks like ripples on a pond. No wait, boulders in a pond.

The things I worry about...

The term "click" has become part of our every day vernacular. Click click click! But what did click mean to us 25 years ago? Heck, 15 years ago?

I think of clicking my tongue, Dorothy clicking her heels to leave Oz, or connecting emotionally with another human being. What about you?

I can't imagine when I was 15 or 20 and someone told me to click here, what in the world would I think?

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

Actually, for me -- I have been a bride more than a bridesmaid. Nothing to brag about I guess, but a fact.

I was lucky enough though not to have to wear one of those horrendous bridesmaid dresses that we all dread. I'll never understand why a bride chooses such hideous dresses for her supposed friends on the most special day of her life. Or at least what she thinks will be the most special. We all know how life helps you gain real perspective on that.

Maybe the bride wants to be the most beautiful thing in the room and this is her way of ensuring that happens. Or maybe the excitement or stress of the event planning has marred her sense of taste. Or maybe she is a, well, not nice person.

Apparel for the Head

It is Derby time here in the River City. Everything is horses, hats and bourbon!

Derby hats are a huge business here and I admire the creativity and talent of those who are able to create such masterpieces. I only wish I could wear a hat and not look like a prize dork or decorated cupcake.

I love the hats from the 60's like you see in Mad Men, even the little pill box Caps Hats, or head apparel. I'd probably still look like a cupcake.

Pondering

Do you think the days of triple A and subscription roadside assistance has passed due to the proliferation of cell phones?

It seems like I don't see as many stranded vehicles on the highways anymore. I guess now if you get stranded, you can call anyone you like to receive service as fast as possible. No longer do you have to find a phone or hitch a ride.

Do you still carry one of those "A" cards in your wallet? We haven't for years.

How sweet

I found a website the other day called the Happy Easter store. That made me starting thinking about how cool it would be to have a "happy birthday store" or "have a good day store" or "let's get wasted store", no wait - I guess that would be a liquor store or a bar. But you get my point.

But now that we've opened this can of worms....what would be in a "Have a good day" store? Maybe...tokens you could buy that when cashed in causes anyone of your choosing to shut up. Just shut them up. You can be sitting in a meeting with an annoying know-it-all who pushes your buttons - and instead of them droning on and on - you simply cash in your token and they have to shut up.

I love day dreaming.

Funny Funny

If were creative, I'd make a rebuttal song.

Degrees of Hilarity

Sometimes I am ashamed that I have a degree in Marketing. This basically happens when I am watching television or reading my spam mail. Recently a local "ambulance chasing" local law firm launched a new, even more ridiculous, commercial and I can't quite figure out who they are trying to spoof, but I can tell you it was the lamest thing I've ever seen.

Almost as annoying and ridiculous are the spam emails I get for "extending her pleasure" and "new, powerful slimming tablets."

Seriously? Can't you do better than?

Cynical Post - Move on if offended

I am constantly amazed at the people who go all out for their child's first birthday. Do you really think they remember anything? You can be assured the kid would be thrilled with a toy - or the box the toy came in - and a cupcake.

Let's face it - the party of clowns and bouncey things, the hoopla of decorations and mass present overload, the 1st birthday invitations that cost more than the average car payment - it is for the parents. It is for them to impress their friends. It most certainly isn't for the kid.

Words Elude Me

Hard to believe, I know.

This is a clip of some crazy lady - and I don't use that term lightly - who went to the City Council with her "complaint". Apparently she threw her hat in the mayoral race last spring, but somehow I missed that...as did the other 700,000+ residents.

Listen all the way through. Watch the guy behind her. How did he keep a straight face? And most importantly, I now know why my butt jumps.

What?

My email inbox, much like yours and everyone else's, is overloaded with holiday shopping "temptations". I use that word lightly. Pottery Barn sales are tempting, phenterminedietpill.org and extend to please her emails are not.

Really? You think I would click on that? A man must have conceived of that marketing plan.

A woman would have wrote "jeans that make you look two sizes smaller".

Now that is marketing.

New Profession

My husband gives fantastic massages. I don't get them very often and usually he sees it as foreplay, but I'll take them whenever I can. I always tell him he should reconsider his profession choice. But then again, I don't think I want him rubbing naked women, or men for that matter.

The other day I saw a television ad for a massage therapy program online....online? Seriously? How could you learn how to use your hands online?

I realize the Internet porn industry has figured this out, but then again you don't get certified in porn. Yet.

Doh

I hope I didn't brain my damage...

- Homer